Again, I writer; I write for my sole reader…
So much time has gone by. I did so little with the time that left me to drape my past. Some times when I look at myself and the ‘once present’ that has left me to become my past, I don’t have any regrets…At least, that is what I would tell others and myself. The truth matters less and perhaps it makes the present less questionable and more bearable.
I remember how I was some 6 or 7 years back. Young and naïve. Not just young and naïve; I, an extraordinarily ordinary person, believed I could make a difference. An extra ordinary feat that could set me apart from my ordinary self. Now, I know how naïve and stupid I was. Today, I’m nothing…an ordinary person who has fallen into the routine chores of mundane life. Neither have I done anything great in life nor anything that even remotely interests me.
In those days of yore, I had abundant faith in myself. I thought I would make a living out of something that I love doing. That was the time when my sister joined the IT industry as a Software Engineer. I was happy for my sister because she was doing well. One day, I found out how little she liked her job. She never really wanted an IT job. In my naivety, I asked her, “How can you work like this when you don’t like your job? What about job satisfaction and satiating yourself?” She said, “Those things matter less. When you have a well-paying job with good work atmosphere, those are taken care of…Remember, with money comes satisfaction.” Without my knowledge she spoke the gospel of my life. But at that time little did I know, I told her, ” I don’t know how you can do that. As for me I would rather work for passion than money.”
I was doing well in college. My teachers’ faith in me made me believe I could achieve anything. However, I was wrong. I did not know exactly what was it that I wanted to achieve. So there never raised the question of whether I can achieve it or not.
I always loved words and enjoyed dabbling in words like no other thing in the world. I wasn’t good at it. But that is what I loved the most. Some how, as fate had a way …I became a writer by profession but I do not write anything I like nor do I write anything that vaguely interests me. I am writer by designation in the IT industry. I have clung to it because it pays well… Today, I’m like Dr. Faustus who mortgaged his soul to the devil for 24 yrs of absolute happiness….
Sometimes I fear I’m dying everyday. Not in the manner that you think. There is something in me that is dying every day. Nay, it is not innocence or naivety…They are dead and gone long ago…but what is left of me….
are they left behind in the run for more?
The dreams that we so lovingly carried in satchels,
In our rat race, are they crushed under the sandals…?
Today, I don’t know what is that I wanted when I was young. I merely, tell myself…I was young, naive, and above all confused… But the question is do I know, what I want today? For that matter do you know what is it that you want in life…………?